Using that phone I called SSSuzy. She answered with the name of the campground. I immediately said, "If you recognize my voice do not say my name. Just say yes." Yes," she answered."Do not say her name, but did you refer a young woman to me that needs advice?" Yes," she answered."Am I really the only one who can handle this?" I think so," she replied. "It's really complicated. David, her father..."As soon as she said a name, I broke the connection. She had already told me everything I needed to know. My actions may sound overly controlling or even rude, but I keep too many people's secrets. Keeping secrets is part of the service I am paid for. There is always someone trying to dig up other people's secrets, so I always have to assume that every conversation is recorded.At 9:10 I was pulled up into a rest stop on the interstate. What I like about this particular rest stop is that, because of the hilly terrain, there isn't room for a rest stop on the other side. So, it is fed. For once, I would love to be kissed with passion when joined by my partner. I would love to hear the words ‘I want you to feel good.’ And what of these men who pass into the background noise of my head? Do they only wait for me to be weak and vulnerable? I care deeply and I deny not my love for the men I’ve shared my heart with. Mom taught me sex without love is a degradation of one’s soul. Mom, I really tried to love them all, but they couldn’t handle my wild heart. So if it’s just been sex, and all my unselfish gestures go to waste eventually, where do I turn now? It’s always been about him. Whether it was this ‘him’, or that ‘him’, didn’t really matter. I’ve poured myself into making it ‘work’ over and over only accomplishing to tear a hole in some guy’s heart and leave myself drained and devastated. I’ve spent the better part of my adulthood trying to convince my spirit that life was easier with a man by my side. At the cost of many self sacrificial moves, I’ve buried myself.
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